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Supporting Your Children Through Your Divorce

08.04.2007 · Posted in Divorce Articles

Staying together for the children when a marriage goes wrong is all very noble but is it the right thing to do? Divorce can quite often be the better option even for them as the tension within the home can do more damage than separation. Even if there isn’t all the shouting, arguing and slamming of doors children can sense when things are not quite right and may even think it could be their fault.

During divorce proceedings try to make sure the children know what is going on. Explain it in terms they can understand. They need to know how they will be affected and reassured that you will do your best to keep their lives as unchanged as possible. Try to avoid a situation where they will have to leave their school and friends at the same time as seeing their parents separate.

It’s also important that both parents let them know they are not to blame and reinforce this message without actually blaming anyone. They do not need to know who did what, just that it isn’t their fault.

One of the worst thing that can happen to a child during the divorce process is to find themselves torn between the two parents wondering if they should be siding with one or the other. Never confide in your child no matter how old they are. Find an understanding friend to share your troubles with. Your child needs to be able to freely love both parents.

Schools and other organisations that the children attend can help keep you informed about any changes in their behaviour and can be a great source of information on how the children are coping with the changes. They may feel the need to hide their emotions at home as you seem to have enough on your plate. Keep the teachers up to date with what is going on in their family lives. There is no shame in divorce these days – around 1 in 3 children will go through their parents’ separation.

There will always be the situation where one parent is not prepared to play along with the best practices. The one that does put down the other parent in front of the children, doesn’t turn up when they’re expected or won’t let the children visit with the other parent. It’s best not to ‘play them at their own game’. An announcement of ‘See I told you daddy’s a *******/mummy’s a *****!’ is perhaps not the best way to go.

If you end up as the parent that leaves the family home and sets up again in another residence it helps the children to know that you still want them in your life by making a part of that residence just for them. Their own room would be great but a small cupboard just for their personal belongings will do just as well.

Eventually one or both parents will enter a new relationship. This, too, can be an unsettling experience for the children, especially if the introduction is handled in the wrong way. It is often less stressful to introduce a new partner as a friend at first and to make sure that any intimate moments take place away from their eyes and ears. This way the children can form a good relationship with this person and be happy when they find out that the association is rather more than ‘just friends’.

As far ash the children are concerned, even once divorce has taken place, mum, dad and kids are still family. This means they will want both parents involved in the important events in their lives. Try to help each other and work together in getting both of you to the school play or graduation day. You may have ended your marriage but your partnership in bringing up your children in the best way possible must continue.

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