My Daughter is Hannah when she was first placed in my arms I did not feel the over whelming love that I expected to automatically happen. You are led to guess that when you have your newborn that something mind-blowing happens and your life will never be the same again. Well the second thing is truthful your life has changed forever and it has changed so much that you are never quite the same again. From the day I took her home I could not help feel that she had intruded on my life so much that I would never improve. The tiredness you feel to the point of sickness is so awful that nothing can prepare you.
When people tell you it does get easier, at the time you wish they would shut up because you feel like you are the only one in this situation and others around you are coping so much better. I employed to trek to a playgroup on a Friday morning and give the impression of being at some of the Mothers. They all had makeup on and were dressed so well completely in control. I just sat there tired, obese, and miserable wondering if this was how my life was meant to be. Most of the spell I had not even had a shower and had sick down my top and I did not care.
Just getting out of the house was a chief achievement for me. I guess back and realise a lot of the problem was the fact that because I was a bit older I had a good life before Hannah could get up when I wanted travel out when I wanted only my self to please. When you have children in your twenties most people will find that they have not had chance to have luxury vacations and to travel out every night etc.
At 35 I had enjoyed my spare stretch and loved lying in bed on a Sunday morning reading the papers with a cup of tea. This was what I missed my mature life I wanted it back and felt I had made a big mistake. This of course made worse with the PND I was suffering that at the stretch I did not realise I had. The crying all of the spell the feeling of helplessness that no-one understood was awful. The stupid thing is that all of this only lasted a few months but it felt like a lifetime and as soon as I saw the doctor everything changed. It took a while but soon I started to feel so much better.
I woke up one morning and looked at her in the cot and felt such joy that I knew I truly must have been so poorly that I could not have realised this earlier. Every day now I guess how lucky I am to have her. She is a constant source of amusement in every way I did not realise how much you could love something and how much it affects you. I would not be without her she means everything to me. The problem now is I dispair on a daily basis about things happening to her and I know this is ordinary for every Mother but life is a worry and you have to try and not put your fears into your child.