Really Mad? EAT-IT!

By: Mark Meshulam

Have you ever wanted to whip out the ol' Ouzi and teach a few dick-wipes a well deserved lesson? I know I have. In business, as in the rest of life, sometimes folks do things which display such abysmal stupidity or malice that they seem to be pleading for euthanasia.

I have, on more than one occasion, wondered aloud if murder was still considered a crime in Illinois (the shooting-death rate in Chicago naturally gives rise to doubts on this point), and opined that the demonstrable imbecility or evilness of my victim should be a justifying cause or even cause for reward.

In the old days, shrinks would prescribe exercise, downers and punching bags as treatments for major pissed-offness, but now there is something new:

Email Anger Therapy using Internet Technology (EAT-IT),
and you can thank Doctor Mark for keeping you out of the hoosegow.

Here's how it works:

Plant your fuming personage in front of the nearest computer, open a fresh email, and proceed to fill it with all the venom you can spew.

My style starts out relatively sane, then a slow burn builds to a fever pitch somewhere around mid-rant. A few deliciously low blows ensue, Vesuvious erupts, then cools down with a couple of band-aids pasted over the collateral damage at the end.

I rarely launch into epithets, obscenities, or - lordy forfend - using all capital letters. Instead I use scathing sarcasm, incisive irony, merciless unmasking of misrepresentations, righteous indignation and, who could resist, onomotopaea. Next sucker who crosses me gets wacked upside the head with iambic pentameter and I'm not kidding!

You have to do this for a while to develop your own style. There is no right or wrong. You can slice your prey along or across the grain. Dice, puree or grind to a pulp with your own inimitable style, and rub salt in the wound to taste.

Make sure you have said it all. Don't hold back. Wimpy catharses will never do in EAT-IT.

When you are thoroughly depleted, the time has come to catapult your fireball over the wall. The send button is but a click away.

Here is the beauty of the EAT-IT system. Send your angst-filled missive to only one person: yourself.

You will feel relief at having poured your frustrations into a meaningful vehicle, yet you don't have to worry about whether you just did something incredibly stupid.

Words said in anger can create a powerful backlash which often finds the sayer regretful that anything was said at all. Yet at other times the hot message can hit home and produce positive movement. In your enraged state, you will not know the difference.

The next day, or two days later, you can review your words and decide what to do next. You may quietly close the email thankful that you didn't send it. You may trim the gratuitous insults, adjust the message with a more businesslike tone and send it. You might let the email sit in your inbox for consideration in light of the unfolding of future events, and take well considered action later.

The EAT-IT system keeps you in control. You can have your feelings and express them too. But you control what to do about them, and you do it when a clearer head prevails.

When you see red, EAT-IT!

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