5 Ways Adopting A Puppy Can Make You A Terrible Person (From Personal Experience)

By: RyanGB102


It seemed fate had it out for us when my wife and I visited a local shelter last fall and the staff so brilliantly handed her a puppy upon our arrival. Toby (actually Gizmo at the time, but we didn’t think it was edgy enough), was a Terrier-Maltese mix who wasn’t much of a looker at the time with scraggly hair that was suspiciously missing in patches on his dirty face. Despite his disheveled appearance, my wife formed a quick connection with the little guy and that was that.

I’d like to say it was a smooth transition for us adopting a puppy, but that just wasn't the case. Most people think it is a morally upstanding act, but I've seen ways adopting and raising a puppy can actually lead to regression in character if you're not careful.

1. Adopting can be superficial – If you don't believe this, just take a step into a shelter on any given day and see the real beauty pageant contestants still lined up to be rescued. The cute dogs, especially puppies, go fast and there’s real stiff competition if you want to land that golden retriever puppy Timmy has his sights set on. Because my wife is a good person, we ended up with Toby the reject puppy who was the last left of his litter and, by coincidence or not, he was by far the ugliest in his family (yeah, we stalked them all on Facebook, that's not weird right?). Even his mom got picked before he did.

2. Puppies make you do immoral things – This started for me night one when we tried to introduce Toby to his new crash pad – the dreaded crate. With flashbacks of his kennel days still fresh in that little brain, Toby produced a set of violent, high-pitched shrieks that were not of this world. With no perceived end in sight to these loud outbursts, I made a bold decision I’m not proud of and took Toby (still crying in his crate) downstairs as far away as possible and stuck him in a bathroom with the door shut so I could get some sleep. Yes, ignoring our poor little puppy’s cries was a pretty selfish and uncool move, so karma was waiting for me the next morning when I came downstairs to see the little guy – tail wagging and excited to show me a crate filled with an absurd amount of puppy poop and pee.

3. You'll likely be a dictator – It probably looks nice from the outside, you're rescuing a puppy to freedom and providing a nice loving home. We did love our puppy for sure, but freedom becomes a relative term when you don't want that $20 pillow from Target getting torn up or peed on. This mean't Toby effectively became our prisoner while we were away at work during the day and what did he face upon our return? A bunch of unfamiliar rules and a chucking out the door at the faintest sign of a poop squat. Heaven forbid he got a turd stuck in that mangy fur of his (happened all the time!), then he'd be subjected to quite an uncomfortable procedure to ensure he was fit to come back inside.

4. You may become snobbier too – I'd like to blame the shelter folks here for making the recommendation, but it just doesn't get much more prime than giving your puppy a diet filled with organic, salmon-based dog food. Toby may be the ugly reject puppy from the shelter, but by God, he gets to eat like a total douchebag. As I've grown more accustomed to the art of K-9 rearing, I've also sensed a growing confidence in my "know-it-all" abilities – ready to shell out unsolicited advice whenever prompted. Oh, having trouble getting your kid to eat? Maybe try mixing his food up with sweet potato (the organic kind, of course) – worked like a charm for our dearest little Toby!

5. You'll use your dog for personal gains – One of the unexpected perks of having a puppy for us was how easy it was to use him as an excuse to get out of stuff. After work social gathering lingering just a bit too long for my comfort? Sorry guys, got to go home and let the dog out. I would totally come home to see you more Mom, but I've just got a lot on my plate right now with Toby and everything.

As an extension of the last bullet, single people should definitely consider adopting a puppy to get dates. Just walking Toby down the street, strangers were always stopping us to say how cute Toby was (in the same sense that no one is going to tell you that your baby is ugly) and spark up a conversation. Puppies are attention grabbers. Perfect opportunity to show an unsuspecting potential mate how awesome you are for adopting while masking all the ways you're actually becoming a terrible human being!

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